What’s A Wedding Anyway?
A semantic exploration of weddings & alternative non-wedding ceremonies
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as:
1: a marriage ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities : NUPTIALS
2: an act, process, or instance of joining in close association
Marriage is defined as:
1: The state of being united as spouses in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized [by law]
2: an act of marrying or the rite by which the married status is effected especially : the wedding ceremony and attendant festivities or formalities
3: an intimate or close union
From these definitions I gather that a wedding is some sort of ritual — seeing as there is ceremony, festivity, and some sort of a state change that is recognized by someone other than the couple involved. Beyond this, there is very little that seems to define what a wedding is or can be. Yes, there was mention of law — but I don’t think that is a defining characteristic, and we can put that by the wayside for now.
As a self-identified “hippie” for many years and someone who felt strongly connected to counter-culture — I have been surrounded by people who question norms. I have found that “getting married” and/or “having a wedding” are somewhat taboo topics in alternative communities. I think the idea is that if it’s mainstream, they don’t want it. I get why. Many adults were once kids who suffered the divorces of their parents… This is clearly something that hasn’t worked for a lot of people. Some adults have already been married and divorced themselves, and feel even more strongly about how this concept doesn’t work. Other people might have grown up in religious families that demanded marriages and perhaps even required them to be a very specific way that didn’t appeal. Yet others are unimpressed and sometimes even disgusted by the style of weddings they’ve seen presented in the media — as lavish, ridiculously expensive, and somewhat cookie cutter affairs. But why throw the baby out with the bathwater? Nowhere does the dictionary define a wedding as an event where a man and a woman walk down an aisle dressed in a particular way.
I have found that people who don’t want a “wedding” seem to have issue with 1 of two main things — 1) the bureaucratic aspects of legal marriage and 2) the word itself, which they associate with movie fanfare & a specific aesthetic that doesn’t feel authentic to them. But as we know, neither of these things is a requirement or definition of being wed. What people usually want is an intimate or close union, that is consensual, and a ceremony usually with its accompanying festivities. Those three things are defined as a wedding.
I am all about people creating ceremonies, rituals, parties, gatherings, etc. that are uniquely crafted to represent their most authentic expression and needs. For some, the traditional as-seen-on-TV wedding format works great and I am also all about that. There are many ways to infuse those kind of weddings with meaning in the same way as anyone creating something alternative to it. To me, a wedding is a rite-of-passage that has lost some of its power over the last few generations. We live in a society that functions in outdated structures, so I’m not surprised about where we’re at. But I do think that once something is broken down, and the questionable parts are dealt with or at least examined, they can be put back together and rebuilt in a way that makes more sense. I think weddings are an incredibly important ritual for a couple who plans on merging their lives, committing to support each other through life’s challenges, and possibly raising families together. Now is a great moment to rebuild this structure in a new and re-inspired way, but let’s take a moment to speak to the “alternative.”
Many folks who are not interested in marriage or weddings still seem to want some sort of recognition of the love they share with their partner. I have been to divine unions, sacred union ceremonies, handfastings, life-long-love parties, and other uniquely named events where two people declare their love for one another and request witness from friends and/or family. When two people want to commit their lives to each other, it really does help to have friends and family around. It is no small thing to merge two people’s lives. I think anyone who wants to make it into a thing, whatever they want to call it, has the right idea. There are boundless formats and structures to gather people and to create ceremony that marks an important moment in someone’s life. There are thousands of previously created structures from all sorts of cultures & spiritual traditions to guide folks, but there are also the infinite possibilities of one’s imagination. The one way that I have seen these ceremonies fall short, is when people give them less attention. I think many folks see these alternative ceremonies as a more casual, or easy to plan, or less expensive option — but in that thought, reduce the potential for transformation by putting less effort into the process.
The coming together of two people, regardless of what it’s called, is kind of a big deal no matter how you toss the dice. If you don’t put in the required effort to make it meaningful, it is likely to crumble. However, if effort is put in to recognize how important this rite of passage is, and it is planned with care and tenderness, it will likely be more fruitful for those involved. To be clear, as-seen-on-tv weddings are equally doomed if minimal effort is put into the spiritual/emotional component. One is not better than the other, and neither are without their flaws.
I guess the point of all of this, is to reclaim the word wedding and make it less triggering. I’d like to be able to speak about weddings, and have that inspire people to dream their wildest dreams rather than shut them down. Cue the cheerleaders — when I say wedding, you say “what” — when I say marriage you say “how.” Okay, that was the cheesiest line to include here, but I’m not taking it out, because I want my excitement to be felt. Wedding is just a vague umbrella word for the act of two people coming together in a really meaningful way that will impact the rest of their lives. There are a gajillion different ways it can look and feel. When we put the semantics aside, we get to dive into the juiciness of what this time of life is all about. We get to encourage ourselves and our friends to think deeply about why we want to stick with this person in the first place, what we want to get out of the experience and event itself, and how we want to step through this portal. Choosing to be wed, doesn’t have to be a box, and no one is getting stuffed inside that box. Sure, a box might be involved… but there is no lid, and it’s huge and full of ideas, and you get to dive in and sort through and find the things you like most, and come out whenever you’re ready.
